


Celebrity Hockey

by ameliafromafairytale



Category: Young Justice (Cartoon)
Genre: Artemis is confused, Boys Being Boys, Dick is a troll, Gen, bruce isn't perfect
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-11-11
Updated: 2012-11-11
Packaged: 2017-11-18 09:47:18
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 907
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/559628
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ameliafromafairytale/pseuds/ameliafromafairytale
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dick and Wally (and Artemis, too, though she pretends not to) watch an episode of Celebrity Hockey that features a certain Gotham billionaire playboy philanthropist.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Celebrity Hockey

**Author's Note:**

> adorable-pragmatism was wondering about the specifics of celebrity ice hockey, and I felt the need to write fic about it.

“Rob! Man, there you are!” Wally calls from the entertainment room of the Cave as Dick enters the kitchen to grab a snack. “C’mere, Celebrity Hockey is starting in a sec!” Dick cringes. He knows exactly what celebrities are going to be on the brand-new episode, and he’d rather not be in the Cave with the Team to watch it. Nevertheless, he snatches an apple and moves reluctantly into the entertainment room to sit on the couch next to (but not too close) Wally just as the episode starts.

Artemis is sitting in another chair making some arrows, still pretending like she doesn’t actively watch the goofy reality show and download all the episodes she misses. She huffs and rolls her eyes at the boys, but Dick can see how she glances up at the TV every few seconds to keep an eye on what’s happening on screen.

“Dude!” Wally crows as one particular celebrity skates (rather shakily, in Dick’s opinion) onto the rink. “That’s  _Bruce Wayne!”_ He jabs Dick’s ribs with a bony elbow, laughing, “Bruce Wayne is on  _Celebrity Hockey!_ ” His guffaws almost drown out the announcer’s voice as Dick slouches down in his seat and tries to hide his face behind his apple.

“Pipe down, Wally!” Artemis snaps, then her mouth clicks shut abruptly and she goes back to work, pretending like she never said anything. Wally snickers, still elbowing his friend.

Dick doesn’t need to watch this episode to know what happens. All episodes of Celebrity Hockey are prerecorded; he was there when this particular episode was filmed. In fact, he can just make out his face in the bottom corner of the large high-def screen, looking just as displeased then as he does now. Nevertheless, it  _is_  rather humorous to watch Bruce attempt to skate. Contrary to what Wally might believe, this isn’t Bruce pretending to be an oaf. No man is perfect – and Bruce just so happens to be a horrible skater.

One might think that the Batman would know how to skate, but Dick knows that Bruce’s large muscle mass and the way he moves don’t translate well to skating. The traction is gone and speeds are completely different, and overall it’s rather disorienting to the great Dark Knight. He snickers and cackles with Wally every time Bruce trips over his skates and faceplants in the ice. The camera zooms in for a closeup of Bruce’s face as the man tries to pull himself up by gripping the wall, what appears to be a smile on his face as he laughs at himself. Dick has known the man long enough to know that the slight twitch of his cheek betrays just the opposite – Bruce is livid with himself. For some reason, that makes him laugh even harder.

Artemis looks a bit suspicious, though. She keeps shooting looks over at the two boys, eyes narrowing when they share a meaningful look and laugh particularly hard at something Bruce did. Every now and then she grumbles something under her breath that Dick can’t quite catch until she finally stands up abruptly and asks, “ _What is so funny?”_

Wally, still wheezing from Bruce’s latest tumble, can barely answer as he gasps out, “Bruce Wayne…on Celebrity Hockey!” Artemis rolls her eyes and scoffs.

“Wally, the man’s a famous billionaire. An idiot of a famous billionaire, but he’s still famous. It’s perfectly reasonable for him to be on this stupid show.”

“Yeah, but…he’s so  _bad!_ ” Artemis huffs, crossing her arms.

“Wally,” she says slowly, “Bruce Wayne is an idiot. A moron. A oaf. A bona fide dunce, okay? To put it bluntly,  _of course he sucks!”_ For reasons unknown to her, this only makes Wally laugh harder. She huffs again, throwing her hands up in the air. “ _Boys_ ,” she mutters, picking up her gear and heading off to her room.

(She can get the results online later anyway)

-X-

“ _So_ ,” Dick drawls later that night at the dinner table. “Wally and I watched Celebrity Hockey today at the Cave.” Bruce cringes, scowling as he cuts his steak with more force than necessary. “He found your performance rather delightful. I don’t think I’ve seen him laugh so hard since the time he replaced all of Conner’s shirts with ones that had pictures of monkeys on them!”

Bruce’s scowl deepens. “I’ve never played ice hockey before,” he grumbles. Dick smirks, cocking an eyebrow.

“ _Sure_  you haven’t.” It’s not like he didn’t catch Bruce practicing skating for hours just so he could be as good as he was on TV as opposed to how absolutely dismal he was at it before. Nope, he  _totally_  didn’t see the man stumbling and growling and cursing and punching the walls. He doesn’t have video evidence of it either, because it’s hard to catch things on camera when they’re not real. It’s not like he’s planning to use that hypothetical video evidence at a later date for some sort of blackmail. That would be absurd!

“Y’know,” Dick begins a few minutes of tense silence later, “I could teach you some cool tricks if you want. The troupe would always go ice skating when it got cold enough, so I know some pretty cool moves.” He’s not fooling anyone (as he’s well aware), but Bruce appreciates the effort.

Bruce doesn’t say anything, but he ducks his head in a way that lets Dick know that yes, he’d appreciate that very much. 


End file.
